The Vegan

What do you call a group of vegans? Are they an ‘announcement’, an ‘excitement’, an ‘assortment’ or an ‘irritation’? I think the latter. An irritation of vegans.

Recently I went on a date with a vegan. She suggested we go to what is known as a Vegan Festival. Usually the very mention of the words ‘vegan’ or ‘festival’ send me into spasms of aggravation. The fact that she popped those two words into a sentence that required my application is almost unfathomable. But since we had been messaging each other on Pink Sofa for 3 months, and she had finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I couldn’t say no. At the very least this expedition could be an item to tick off my bucket list. There always has to be something in it for me.

Who knew vegans could be scorching hot? Murdering me she was, with her thick eyelashes and dark eyed good looks, the kind of girl who can say “Would you like to come to a Vegan Festival” and you hear “Would you like to lick this molten chocolate from my navel?”

During the stroll to the park where the plant eaters were tenderly rallying around cashew tea, my vegan date attempted to hold my hand. Not cool. Wasn’t it enough that I was going to subject myself to an abundance of clap-happy vegans for the afternoon? My credibility was already at risk (and I don’t care how hot you are, just don’t try and hold my hand at a vegan festival).

As we approached the hub of herbivorous activity, the vegan began to get excited. I followed at a safe distance in case she poked my eye out with a spare flapping elbow (don’t ask, it’s obviously a vegan thing). We passed by tents and displays of vegan wares and delicious sounding edible concoctions without incident. I was intrigued however by her ability to absorb vast quantities of foodstuffs (given her elfin composition).

Anyway. It turned out to be one of those dates where you start filing excuses to get out of there from the moment you arrive. Was it the dancing hippies, or the whiney children (who probably just wanted meat), or the inflatable carrot that was bulldozing my libido? I will never know, because that was the first and last vegan festival for this lesbian.