Her monologue continued for 48 minutes whilst I rehearsed my breakup speech to jazz tunes. Finally she gaped for air and I started in “I really have to go and do my washing/shopping/mopping so how about we talk later.” Not certain which of my personalities was speaking at that point, it just fell out of my mouth that way.
Next thing I knew she had her hand in my back pocket, was calling me ‘babe’ and pushing me up and down aisles like her trolley.
The only possible solution during such a crisis was the mobile phone emergency plan. Pretending to conduct a price check on gourmet cucumbers I desperately clasped the gadget to my ear and made bold statements like “WHAT? Really. So you need me to come right over?” I gestured to my shopping date that something pretty big and pretty important was going down, and I would have to raincheck on the Moroccan lentil salad on tender.
This was met with a pouty expression. I wanted to vomit, she was already at ‘baby phase’ in Lesbian 101. Luckily she hadn’t figured out I was making the whole thing up to flee (she might have slapped me out with her beaded sandal).
Special note: When baby phase is reached, the relationship/coupling/arrangement is over. And don’t ever use a baby voice around me, not even when you talk to a baby.
To Be Continued..
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