Thought Gasp 4

I am wetting my mouth with a warm import that flies me above the ocean through clouds whose breath embrace possibilities…

…  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  … 

Trapped.

My biggest fear is the feeling of being trapped. I used to have this recurring nightmare where I am desperately trying to fly, my arms flailing about like a drowning child. The harder I stroked the more elevation I could get. However, it required a colossal amount of exertion for not much result. Meanwhile (and this is the worst bit), people were always trying to grip and snatch at my feet to keep me on the ground with them. They didn’t want to let me go and yet I needed to. I would kick and struggle harder, but they would pull me back down. That nightmare stopped a few years back (I think).

Attached to this dream is also a feeling of guilt. I think the guilt comes from having to detach from people or situations that no longer need me. I feel bad that I have to keep gently reminding them (and sometimes not so gently) that they don’t need me and their own path is as exciting and inspiring and easy as mine.

A sickening feeling, even now I find myself desperately trying to wiggle free from the suffocating toxicity of its memory.

…  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  …  … 

Sipping again, I notice a winged insect drowning in my red wine. I dip my finger to it and it climbs aboard and scales up across wrist and forearm through the foliage of my arm hairs. In essence, when the insect is offered help it instinctively helps itself, but does not know when to stop running, up and up, unthinking, just scuttling through the foliage… (Doesn’t it know it is dry enough to fly?)

So I give it a quick burst of my breath, then it realises its wings are dry and it flies…

I think most of us want to help others in need, but when we know it is time to move on it is our responsibility to initiate the move and allow others to fly alone.

I had that nightmare again last night.

Thought Gasp 3

I don't understand why people get into romantic or personal monogamous relationships. To me a relationship signifies incompletion of oneself. Is that why you do it? What do you get from having a relationship with another person?

I am able to find everything I need from:
a) nature (calm)
b) an animal (affection)
c) masturbation (my itch scratched)
d) family, friends and colleagues (connection)
e) food, shelter, clothing (basics)
f) work (volunteering, job, housework) (sense of achievement, usefulness)
g) personal goals (motivation and hope)


So educate me if you can, I want to know if I am missing out on anything? I have a thread running on Pink Sofa, if you have something to say join here.

Thought Gasp 2

I had to have one of ‘those’ talks the other day. First I have it with myself, and then I have it with my prospect. I would prefer not to have the talk. But at least if I have the talk, it means I care. It means there is hope, yet sometimes the talk spirals into the end.

My life lives like an exhibition of evolving art. I am a crazed artist with a paintbrush between my teeth smearing thick oily colours across the canvas with my fingers. Breathing over my work exasperated with my vision. Not content to live an artificial half life like so many others (day in day out printing the same feature anesthetized in the monotony). The irony is pain actually exists in that fabrication.

I find people are attracted to me when they want their souls to be unravelled. I feel like an asshole watching them writhe in their self made bullshit stories about who they thought they were, or the bullshit mess they use to pad out their life instead of living it. I feel like an asshole because they seem to want me to tug on that first thread, and I can’t help myself but to heave it until it snags or works loose the pretty outfit they were wearing. The bullshit outfit.

The closer I get to something ‘normal’ the further I want to be away from it. I come with warning signs, bells, whistles, textbooks, journals, charts, testimonials, but still nobody listens. They all think it will be different with them, and that their approach will be fresh.

So I crack them open. And that action breaks them or makes them. Whatever happens, when I bump into them again at some point, I see the wound they carry from that time (I tend to meet them at their most vulnerable and destroy that image of what they thought they were). All real warriors carry scars from great wars, and that is what they are, women with the courage to fight for their freedom.

Truth, courage, freedom..

Thought Gasp

I was in chat with a long term friend on Pink Sofa the other night, and our discussion evolved into my latest mantra. You have probably heard the expression 'If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was'.  I always liked that saying, but nowadays it seems way too limiting for the Zymeister.

How about just living in a constant state of freedom? Allowing your human relationships to flourish and grow continually by offering them complete freedom as part of a continuum.

"You are free to be with me now, as I am free to be with you. You know that if I stay it is because I want to be here. Because you are allowing me to make this decision continuously, you don't need to question my motives for being here."

This is my kind of world. No cheating. No insecurity. No games.

I would then add 2 more side dishes to complete my meal:

1. Treat others as you would have them treat you.

2. Always be true to yourself

So what do you think, achievable?

Also, you may be less familiar with the alternative quote - "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it" I think a lesbian coined that one.